DETAILED SYNOPSIS
Act 1
A wood outside Paris. Two detectives, Blairjuste and his assistant Néron, are investigating a lonely-hearts advertisement in Le Chasseur français, a well-known newspaper. The author of the ad seeks a woman “without friends or relatives”, perhaps hiding criminal intentions. Blairjuste instructs Néron to disguise himself as a tree and record the meeting between the would-be lovers.
Alexandre arrives first, followed by Angéline, an aristocrat who likes to speak in slang and hopes for an exciting fling. He appears to be a paragon of old-fashioned propriety. She speaks in broad argot, is addicted to crime literature and film noir, and has no time for romance. She mocks Alexandre’s classical tastes in literature, wishing he were more of a tough guy (various film noir actors are mentioned). Alexandre is initially surprised then downright shocked. No common ground is found, and the two are about to part company when Néron appears from inside his tree. He introduces himself, explains the reason for his presence, apologises to Alexandre for the ill-founded suspicions and agrees with him that Angéline is a woman of low morals (openly insulting her in the process), then leaves. Alexandre immediately morphs into a “tough guy”. He draws a pistol from his pocket and orders Angéline to put her hands up, then knocks her out, robs her of her handbag and jewellery, checks that he now has her address, pushes her under the bench, and leaves. Another man now appears from inside another tree. It is Virgile, a private detective sent by Angéline’s nephew Carlos to spy on her secret meeting (for a reason to be revealed in Act 2). Virgile revives Angéline, who doesn’t think much of the cognac on offer (she prefers whisky) or of his ability to defend her after the punch on her jaw and the loss of her money and jewellery. She declines Virgile’s offer to take her home and calls André, her chauffeur…
Act 2
Angéline’s apartment. Clémentine, Angéline’s niece, has been running the household while the maid is away and Angéline in bed with a headache due to a mysterious fall. Brique (a Dominican priest and Angéline’s brother) arrives. He teases Clémentine about her new hairstyle and dress. Although she denies it, she has clearly fallen in love. Brique asks for a large bottle of red wine. While Clémentine fetches the drink, Jacques arrives. He is none other than Alexandre, who has removed his wig and is returning the stolen jewellery. The sight of a priest causes him to panic and think he has killed Angéline. Brique is puzzled by Jacques’ confusion and demands explanations. Jacques introduces himself as Alexandre de Marillac (the role he puts on to trick his victims), then as Tom Collins (his pen name as writer of cheap crime fiction). Clémentine returns and is overjoyed to see Jacques, the mysterious suitor who, she believes, has come to ask for her hand in marriage. Brique loses patience and demands to know which of Jacques’ three identities is the genuine one. Jacques admits his real name is Jacques Martin but is keen to leave before Clémentine finds out he is also the crime writer Tom Collins. Brique prevents Jacques from leaving. Carlos appears with Virgile, his secretary, who carries a heap of letters. Carlos seems relieved to hear Jacques is not here to meet André (Angéline’s chauffeur), whom he fancies. He introduces himself as a singer (the many letters are part of his fan mail) and leaves. Under further interrogation from Brique, Jacques confirms his multiple identities. His excuse is that he suffers from writer’s block and can only write about events he has actually experienced. He is devastated to have assaulted Clémentine’s aunt and thinks he has lost all hope of marrying Clémentine. He asks Brique to help him return the jewellery without Clémentine finding out. Carlos reappears, looking for André who doubles up as Angéline’s chauffeur and writer of Carlos’ replies to his women admirers, who do not interest Carlos. Carlos, a successful popular singer, is happy paying André for the letter-writing. When André arrives, he and Jacques recognise each other as former students in L'Ecole Normale (a prestigious academic institution). Like Brique and Jacques, and “everyone else”, André has a degree in philosophy. He tells Jacques about his first job as a chauffeur for Dédé le Dingue, a gangster, now dead. Brique, who also has a shady past, reveals that he knew Dédé, and they join in a song paying homage to him.
INTERVAL
Act 2 (continued)
Jacques tries to talk André into moving in with him and providing him with useful details for his novels. André, who thinks the latest Tom Collins novel is rubbish, declines. He has a lucrative post as Carlos’ ghost letter writer and is not prepared to let that go. He does not return Carlos’s infatuation, but it suits him fine (although Jacques spoils things by revealing Carlos’ fixation with his “dirty feet”). Jacques makes feverish notes about this bizarre situation to feed his failing inspiration. Clémentine returns from tending to Angéline’s sore jaw, reporting that her aunt is furious about the stolen jewellery. Jacques, now very drunk, is about to tell Clémentine he is returning the jewels, but Brique prompts André to shut him up. Clémentine reports that Virgile, planted by Carlos, has recorded the entire assault and robbery. Jacques escapes André’s surveillance and admits the theft of the jewels and his reason for “borrowing” them. Clémentine initially thinks Jacques is simply drunk or mad but realises to her dismay that he is Tom Collins (whose novels she seems to have read…) and walks out despite efforts by Brique and André to prevent the breakup. Angéline appears, is surprised to see André and intrigued about Jacques, who looks and sounds vaguely familiar. She describes the assault to Brique, mocks Carlos for suspecting her of having an affair with André to the extent of sending Virgile to spy on her and promises to deal with whoever assaulted her. As she speaks, Brique and André try to hide the handbag containing the jewels, but Jacques manages to recover it and presents it to Angéline. She recognises him and punches him in the stomach. André (already offended by her thinking the idea of an affair with him absurd) objects to her treating a drunken man so roughly. She replies that she is only giving as good as she got and proceeds to sack André. He and Jacques are ordered to leave. Brique tells Angéline that she has just wrecked Clémentine’s romance with Jacques. Angéline won’t hear of a marriage between her niece and that “good for nothing”. Carlos enters, overhears Angéline mentioning a new chauffeur, finds out André has been sacked, demands that she takes him back, but has no leverage since the apartment is in her name and she can throw him out. Angéline teases Brique, by now profoundly drunk, with a lewd remark, and is told off by Brique for her habit of speaking in slang. She stubbornly refuses to “improve” her language and goes off to interview an applicant for the job of chauffeur. Clémentine reappears with a suitcase, ready to leave. Carlos asks her whether she loves Jacques, Clémentine responds that he disgusts her, and Carlos is convinced that Jacques was indeed intending to seduce André. He sends Virgile out to find André. Brique tries to persuade Clémentine to stay, but she is too disillusioned with everyone around her. He offers her his flat to live in while she finds work as a dancer. Brique reveals his secret: he is being sent on a mission to the Sahara to stop him hanging around with people working in cinema, his great passion. Néron arrives. He has applied for the job of chauffeur and is to be interviewed by Angéline but enthusiastically mistakes Brique for a cinematic icon and requests an autograph.
Act 3
A French television studio. Two cameramen are busy installing equipment. They are interrupted by an Italian lady, Mme Benzine, who asks where to find a TV producer called Chabannes, and is being told quite evasively to ask Angelvin, another TV producer (both of these, and any others mentioned thereafter, have actually existed and worked for French TV in the 50’s and 60’s). Mme Benzine gets nowhere with her query and is increasingly frustrated. She is accompanying her son Ricardo, a child prodigy (and spoiled brat) who is due to perform as a conductor later that day. Ricardo throws a tantrum. Clémentine joins them, also expecting to take part in a TV production. She does her best to put up with Ricardo’s rather unsettlingly mature demands for cuddles but fails to impress Mme Benzine who expects everyone to worship her boy. One of the cameramen returns, asking where Angelvin is. This is too much for both Mme Benzine and Ricardo, who leave. Clémentine is left alone and practises her number, a song and dance, which she will need to perform later. Brique appears, much to the delight of Clémentine, who suspects he has arranged her audition with one of his contacts in French television. Brique has returned from his mission in the Sahara and is to be interviewed about his latest research on cinema in the ancient world. He asks Clémentine for news of the family. We thus learn that Carlos’ repertoire now consists exclusively of sad songs, that he receives even more fan mail, and that Clémentine is still lovesick. The second cameraman enters with Jacques and André. Jacques is to be interviewed on a literary programme about his latest novel, and André is helping him to rehearse. Jacques is expected to answer questions about his new literary style, far removed from the old Tom Collins. André tells him off for his wordy answers. Jacques suddenly tries to hide when Angéline enters. She is hoping to meet up with a mysterious admirer (code name Le Solitaire du Désert), presumably in some blind date type programme. She instantly recognises Jacques and accuses him of being the man in question, which he vehemently denies. André tries to calm her down, but Angéline is still looking for her date, and she and Jacques blame each other for the loss of Clémentine. They nearly come to blows again but decide to make peace. Enter Ricardo, who irritates everyone with his tantrums, then morphs into a conductor and gets everyone to sing in tune. Everyone leaves after the singing lesson, apart from Jacques. Clémentine now appears, and the two former lovers hesitate between fighting and resuming their romance. They are briefly interrupted by André. Clémentine still struggles with Jacques’ Tom Collins period, but the two are finally reconciled after one last exchange of slaps. Enter Joseph, a speaking horse, who is due to speak on TV about his thesis (he also has a degree in philosophy). They are joined by André and Carlos. Carlos wants André to work for him again. André refuses to do double the work (the fan mail has increased) for the same salary. When Carlos offers twice as much, André agrees, on the condition that Carlos stops going on about his dirty feet. Clémentine is surprised to see Carlos, who says he has been invited to the studio at short notice. Clémentine suspects Brique is behind it all (“a real Machiavelli”). Angéline appears, with Brique, who was the mysterious Solitaire du Désert she had been looking for. Clémentine introduces Jacques as her fiancé, and André as Carlos’ new secretary. The entire family are now reunited, and former enemies have made peace. The first cameraman arrives, with a message from Angelvin asking them to make less noise. They immediately disobey by bursting into song in praise of French television. Thanks to Brique’s manoeuvring, everyone can now live happily. But will they?...
